Families are Love

Friday, November 27, 2009


I don't feel like it would be the holiday season if we didn't express thanks for a few of the blessings we have been blessed with this year.

* Family, what would we all do without our families. Steven, Michael, and I are so very thankful that we have family and that our little family is together. On this earth I don't know if there is really anything else that could make me happier. ;) Our extended families are such a blessing! We are so thankful that we live close and I am so thankful that I have been able to call my mom/dad to just talk and get advice, support, or just a hug when I've needed it.

* This wonderful gospel.... so this is the glue that makes the whole family thing the most wonderful thing. Knowing and feeling that we can be together for the eternities has helped us so much during the past 10 months. I can't imagine what my mental state would be without the knowledge the Lord has sent to the earth. Knowing that I/we have a loving Father in Heaven watching over us who sent a willing Savior to sacrifice for us, makes the daily grind/frustrations much easier. I am so thankful that I am a member of this wonderful church!

* Michael!!! He is such a joy, a blessing, and strength to Steve and I. We really enjoy being his parents. Of course we all have challenges with our kids, but I can't imagine not having him be apart of our little slice of family. He's an imaginative child that continues to bring smiles to my face everyday. He has a tremendous amount of patience for me as a mother and sometimes he surprises me with how matter-of-fact he can be about things. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be his mom and that I get to see him grow.

* Joshua ~ even though he is not on this earth with us any longer, his time with us here brought a lot of growth and even more at his passing. He was a joy to have in our home, he was loving and loved to be cuddly with me. Josh was always about business, even in play he seemed to have a purpose as to why he did something a certain way. I am so thankful I had him here, even though it was brief and I am thankful to know that he is busy on the other side doing the Lord's errand.

* Steve. My sweetheart. We don't always see eye to eye, but he's so very patient with me (seems to be a running thing). He knows what I need a lot of times before I need it and if he doesn't he isn't afraid to just ask and admit he doesn't know. He puts up with my random "this has to be done before bed" binges on cleaning, crafts, or whatever and the best and my most favorite: he helps me laugh everyday! He's been a shoulder when I've needed it, even when it's been very unexpected and a tremendous support during this past year. I don't think I could have gone through these trial with anyone else and come out without anger. I just love him so very much!

There are of course so many other blessings that I have received; I just wanted to share those today. Happy Thanksgiving yesterday!

Monday, November 23, 2009

So as always I'm updating, not doing something amazing and exciting... just updating. Thanksgiving is almost here and we haven't been extremely busy, but enough to keep us going. I've recently (in the last month +) become addicted to blogs and websites of the crafty nature. I do blame Jennie and Megan for this ;)... they had the links on their blogs and the temptation was too great to resist. So now my nights are filled with trying to DECIDE not do, but DECIDE what projects I want to start, finish, and pursue. I've about got the Christmas capes done, my new Christmas wreath is finished, etc. etc. ; But my word blocks and banner for my basement are still rolling around on my brain. I just can't quite decide how I want them done. And knowing me... If they aren't done the way I'd like them to turn out the first time... they are put away for a few years and maybe I'll get to them the next time i clean out the closet. Anyone else have that problem?

Anyway, because of my new addiction I thought I would share some of my favorite sites to get creative juices flowing (they're on the side bar); and just as Jennie and Megan are responsible for my new addiction... I am now responsible for my friends Kimi's... I hope she forgives me :)

Anyway, Mike's been having a wonderful time at preschool. He's really enjoying this year and is more outgoing than he was before. His preschool class has 9 boys and only 2 girls most days. I kind of think Mrs. Hayes must have the patience of an angel to tackle that day after day. Mike loves to write his name and lets every cashier know that I'm his mom and that I'm 27. Why only the cashiers... I'm not sure, but what a wonderful quirk Mike has.

Last week we a a really neat story time at the library. It was based on the Polar Express. I hadn't been to one of the really big story times yet, so I was not prepared for it. We had to park 3 blocks away and wait in a line that was as long as the parking lot for the library. But it was worth it and really fun. There was fishing for donuts, and a story corner, making crafts to do with snow, etc. Each family was given a ticket so they could get their book when they were done... which was more than I expected. They were given a hardbound Polar Express book that came with a cd and cassette of the book, and of course a bell from Santa's sleigh. Mike had a lot of fun with it and I probably lost a pound or two in sweat. :)

This is Mike with our neighbor Kourtney, who came with us.
So as always I'm updating, not doing something amazing and exciting... just updating. Thanksgiving is almost here and we haven't been extremely busy, but enough to keep us going.
So as always I'm updating, not doing something amazing and exciting... just updating. Thanksgiving is almost here and we haven't been extremely busy, but enough to keep us going. Work is kind of crazy for Steve right now... one week he's pulling 50 hrs and the next it's slow
So as always I'm updating, not doing something amazing and exciting... just updating. Thanksgiving is almost here and we haven't been extremely busy, but enough to keep us going. I've recently (in the last month
So as always I'm updating, not doing something amazing and exciting... just updating. Thanksgiving is almost here and we haven't been extremely busy, but enough to keep us going.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Halloween 2009

Halloween was really fun this year! I took on the challenge to fashion Michael a "Wild Thing" costume. It didn't turn out how I pictured it in my mind, but Mike was super excited about it and that is what really mattered. I know it's kind of "white trashy" but I ended up using duct tape on his shirt because I couldn't get my other thought to work out on his shirt and I was running out of time at 11:45 pm. Steve was really helpful with calming me down when I got frustrated with my inadequacies in sewing... so kudos to him! ;) One thing I wish we would have taken advantage of sooner was a pumpkin walk in Shelley. We thought it was going to be like the years before and nothing really spectacular, but we were wrong! This year a scout used it as a food drive for his eagle project and it was awesome! They had displays of pirates, sponge bob, Horton the elephant, veggie tale stories, and a whole lot more. The pictures aren't that great because we didn't think to bring our camera, but it was awesome!

Michael just before his preschool Halloween party... I even was adventurous and made dirt and worm cupcakes... no pictures of them

Our pumpkins... we used a drill for the freckles and the disco ball. They aren't the best pictures, but they work!

Our wonderful leaves and our familia! What a wonderful life!!!

I also couldn't resist this picture of Steve. Mike and I found these cheap glasses at the dollar store and played with them for a few days before we made Steve put them on.

So the pumpkin walk will have to wait 'til later. I don't know if i will ever catch up!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Some Sept. and Oct. Pictures

We've had some fun the last couple of months. Seems like there was always something going on. Halloween will have to come another day. So here are some pictures. Hope you like them

The Dino dig for the preschool was great fun! Steve went with Michael's class and he even seemed to enjoy himself... he was behind the camera in most pictures! For a few weeks after Mike wanted to play the dinosaur game. It was kind of like red light/green light. It's been fun and he is all about the dinos lately especially with a new cartoon called dinosaur train on pbs... he loves learning about all the new stuff and I'm sure that Santa will be asked for something to do with dinos! September also brought the AZ cousins to Idaho for Heber's funeral. They ended up staying an extra week to help out with the fam. business, so Michael was able to spend some time with his cousins Ian and Isaac. The best part... football game with grandpa and dad! Go Shelley Go! They had a great time and as you can seen from the picture... they all came home tuckered out! ;)

Super hero moments with dad... what fun that day was! I'm making Michael a super hero cape with matching pjs for Christmas. I'm really excited about it... I'll have to post a picture of them when I'm done. I'm making a couple for Ella and Kadied (twin girls of our friends) too. Anyway, what more fun can you have than playing with dad, huh? two super heroes doing the dishes... truly... MY HEROES! (Steve might need a cape too, what do you thing?)

And of course the pumpkin patch! Another preschool field trip that was loads of fun! The kids got to pick out their own pumpkin and then played around in the straw maze for about 1/2 hr. It was extra special because Mike had a special friend, our neighbor Beck, with him.
Preschool that day was pretty much a party. They went to the pumpkin patch first and then when they got back to the school it was only 10 minutes to the homecoming parade and then time to go home. Pretty easy day don't you think?


We've really enjoyed the last couple of months. Sept and Oct. have been pretty full with things to do. So with out further adeiu... here are some pictures.

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Just some pics from this wonderful September and October!

(preschool field trip to the pumpkin patch!)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Nine Months has gone by...

(Christmas 2008... trip to SLC for Temple Square lights and Christmas at Grandma's house )

I hope that no one takes me for a mother who is not able to see past the pain of losing a child. I can and do, but curiously the significant "time frames" of infants has come into play with our little Josh's passing. Ya know 1 wk, 1 mo., 3 mo., 6mo. 9mo., etc. This last one... 9 months... has been rough. The weekend of our "9 mo. anniversary" was marked by three people that we have loved and cherished.

October 16th was the 1 year mark for the Gemar family. Keirsten has been missed by them and the extended family for a year now.Which in my mind triggered a lot of questions. How do you "celebrate" or "commemorate." Being naive and ignorant to the feelings of losing a loved one a few years ago I would have thought, "why celebrate or continue grieving... we know where they are and we know the plan." But the Lord has given me experience and in experience you learn and hopefully grow from it... sometimes painfully.

(waiting for the bus fall 2008)

October 17th was Grandpa Heber's 1 month mark. Dorothy seems to be doing well. She keeps busy and truly that helps! He's missed, but we are thankful that we were able to know him before he passed. Mike likes the thought of Heber being in Heaven with Josh playing or watching football.

Those two realizations that weekend reminded me that October is set up like January was this year and so Sunday Oct. 18th was a night of remembering things. Thankfully time and the Lord's help has softened the things of that evening (Jan. 18), but it's still the night that everything was put into motion and the night that lead to our little one being taken home just past midnight on Jan. 19, 2009.

We are very thankful that we had our little boy here for as long as we did. Josh was a joy and a blessing in our home. At times it was challenging. In June of 2008 he was officially, and in my mind finally, diagnosed with autism... he mostly had hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli and textures especially with food, he was behind developmentally and also with his speech. But even with the struggles of trying to figure out how to afford therapy, make sure he's getting all the help he needed at school, make sure he could socially interact with others his age at some point... he was worth all that time, all the worry, all the love we were able to have together. Josh had a big heart and loved everyone around him... sometimes they didn't know it. Mike and Josh would fight about almost everything, but they always loved each other! The laughter that would come out of their room during bedtime or nap time in complete darkness was a wonderful sound to fall on my ears! Boy! I miss that!

I am so very thankful for the Lord's mercy on my little one. Josh does not have to go through all the trials of this world nor struggle with the limitations he had anymore. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time for Steve, Mike, and I. We miss having him in our home, in our arms so very much, but we know it is for our good, his good, and just part of our journey to being an eternal family. Knowing we have Josh on the other side waiting for us and working towards the Second Coming, put the plan of salvation in another light for us. Sometimes as Latter-Day Saints we "believe" all the things we are taught, but they don't seem real or a matter of actual salvation. When daily we go through a host of smoke screens put up by the opposition to make what is real look fuzzy and not so important or not to be taken so seriously. What a blessing it is to have the gospel of Jesus Christ on this earth! I can't wait for our family to feel more complete again!

On Jan. 19 2009 our little one was gone. Just his earthly body remained and the tears of his family. Josh had been sick for about a week and it was determined that it was just the flu, but what we didn't know is that Josh had a metabolic disorder that made the flu not just a normal sickness that everyone gets and gets over. The flu triggered Reye's syndrome in his body. (by-the-by... I found out September is national Reye's Syndrome month... ribbon color is blue) The bigger problem is that we didn't find that out until we received that autopsy in February. The doctors in Idaho Falls and down at Primary Children's Hospital couldn't figure out what was going on. His oxygen levels just would not stabilize, so we were going to go on his first plane flight to Salt Lake to get better care than they could give us in Idaho Falls. Small and simple things really were put in place to help us... the Lord was really mindful of us. The ER doctor in IF was a man who went to high school with Aaron and his family knew ours, a friend of Steve's was working at the hospital that night too, my parent's and sister were taking care of Mike in the waiting room, and other things that really helped. The Spirit was very strong in our little room at the hospital that night and I know that I will never be able to forget or deny the Lord's love and plan for me and my family. In the things that I've learned about leaving this life... the one that sticks out the most is something that President Kimball says in his little booklet called "Destiny or Tragedy." He basically says that the body has to physically die somehow. That has helped in the sense that everything they did to save Josh should have worked... even with Reye's , but didn't. Every effort was made to help us keep our son here, but ultimately Josh is and was needed with our Father in Heaven more and I think he knew that and accepted it.

I've not written any of this to offend, so please don't be. I just realize that I've needed to write this and that my family has needed to know and understand what this is like, how it feels, and not to be "weird" about the elephant in the room. It might be there for awhile longer because mourning and grief is a BIG process; bigger than I ever thought it would be. But I'm still me, we are still us, and we love all of our family so very much!

Cherished and loved he will always be
3-9-05 to 1-19-09

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thursday Thought

Whoa! Did I actually use a nifty title ;) ? Anywhoo... I am basically finished working at night now, so I have idle hands. Thanks to my sister and sister-in-law, I followed links on their blogs that now have me addicted to crafty hands- on ... in short really fun blogs and websites. Today while I was scanning to find something fun to craft up I came across a really neat quote on one of them and thought I really need to share it!!!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Disclaimer: I found the quote on Little Miss Craft Pants , so I have no idea if Sister Hinckley said this or not. But I think it's a great attitude we all could stand to get into!

P.S. i do hope to get my new addiction under control, but my modpodge has been out quite a bit lately! :)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

For those who haven't...

For those who aren't close, here is a picture of Joshua's final headstone.
Wow! what a strange thing to have to say!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Passing of Grandpa Heber

This past week has been a very full one. Last Thursday night Steve's grandpa passed away. Thankfully we had gone over Wednesday night and said our goodbyes... even Mike. I am very thankful that Heber didn't have to suffer any longer with his illness and sad that Grandma Dot will have to be without her sweetheart for awhile.

I had the opportunity to help them once a week "clean" their house. I was surprised the things that I learned and began to cherish about them. My most favorite was how tender and selfless they were with one another. They both have had plenty of health problems and they had to rely on each other. For quite awhile I can remember Steve telling me about his grandpa having to take care of Dot and in the last year it's been the other way around. I think their example they showed in their own home has helped me want to be a much better companion to my own sweetheart.

Mike was blessed to know his Great Grandpa and somehow it seemed that they had a good relationship for two people who hardly saw one another. I am grateful for the love that Heber showed Michael and that Mike was always excited to go to great grandma and grandpa's house with me. it was a great blessing to feel the bond of love they shared. Heber and Dot always took the time to tell Mike that he loved him. Something I'm sure we can all do a little more.

Heber is now the 3rd family member on Steve's side of the family to be taken home... all on the Hansen side. Keirsten passed away last October, than Josh in January, and now Heber this past week. Steve and I hope that they were there to help greet him. So this year has been full enough of loved ones leaving.

Heber's passing has churned up emotions that I didn't know were so close to the surface, but it's been wonderful to remember and accept again the Lord's plan for all of us. We hope that all of our family members know just how very much we love and appreciate them. We are so thankful that this life is not all, we are so thankful that there's more and that we'll still have these relationships, bonds of love, and joys after it's our turn to move on to the next. Won't it be great to remember all those who have gone before us to help us! It will be a much anticipated day in this little family to be reunited with our loved ones who have moved on to a much better place.
(Wilma, Keirsten, JoshuaJay, and now Heber)

Heber's funeral will be on Saturday morning and his obituary can be viewed here.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

one more

Today I've been very thoughtful and I must admit that it's been kind of painful.
On Thursday evening Heber passed away. It was expected and truthfully I've been surprised at how long he held on for Dot and the rest of the family.

For the past 5 months I have had the privelege to get to know Heber and Dot better when I would go over and "clean" what Dorothy couldn't. It's been a wonderful blessing to listen to the banter back and forth from them, listen to their stories of life and their challenges, help where I could, and especially the past 2 months where Heber was ever so tender with Dorothy.

In the hustle and bustle of life I find myself, like everyone else, taking my loved ones for granted. There is always that "in just a minute" factor that we shove into our lives. I had thought that after Josh's passing it wouldn't be hard to keep it out of our life, but slowly it weasled back in... thankfully not as before. I'm reminded now how much I love my family/families and how very precious my husband and children are to me.

We were able to say goodbye to Heber on Wednesday night and have a short but good conversation with him.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Kid's say the funniest things!

So this morning at breakfast I had a gut busting laugh session with Mike. It went like this:

Mike: Look it's like a wheel (his bowl)

Me: Oh, ya it is like a wheel. They're both circles. (I'm thinking that's great! )

Mike: Watch! (and he spun his cereal bowl around with milk and all still inside... no spills) Whoo!! fifty dollars! "A." One "A" ding Whoo!

Steve and Mike have been watching Wheel of Fortune for an after dinner treat and mike just loves it! Before he was done with this mornings little performance he had me "solve the puzzle" with his help of course. the answer was "ABC"

I'm Michael Dean Hansen and I approve this posting

Monday, September 7, 2009

Many Adventures update

Well we've finally started preschool again! Mike has been so excited and after a slip up on days and times Mike was finally off and rearing to go! It was a little bitter sweet for Steve and I. There was that strange feeling that something wasn't right and later realized that it was the fact that it was just Mike getting on the bus, not Mike and Josh. BUT, we know that Josh is doing important work for the Second Coming.
(picture: Fist day of school and so ready to go! We had been waiting for about 1/2 an hour. )

Mike has been asking a lot of questions lately about where Josh is and is starting to understand things a little better. He no longer thinks that the funeral home is Heavenly Father's house and that he could find Josh there. He's starting to accept things as they are, but on lonely days when the other kids are at school in the mornings, it's hard to watch him be alone. I guess we've had a hard realization on just how much a parent's love is part of our every fiber. Mike's little personality is blossoming and hopefully he continues to be excited about life and smiling about almost everything.... he doesn't smile about new food, it's not his favorite thing to have to try. ;) He loves to help with everything... what a blessing! He loves to sing in primary and loves Sister Jones (his sunbeam teacher!). Mike is such a special boy, I think he already understands how to help others who are having a hard time and is very sensitive to others' needs. I am so glad that Heavenly Father choose me to be his mom.

Last week in church, Mike gave a talk in primary. He did a wonderful job talking about the Temple. We wrote his talk kind of based on what he told me from the primary trip to the visitor's center. I guess he kept telling Sister Callejas that he would go to the temple when he was 17 AND when a little old temple worker opened the baptistry door to see who was outside he zipped past and tried to go in. I can just see the Bishop's and primary leaders' faces!!! But they knew it was an innocent mistake and Mike got the opportunity to have some special "attention" from the Bishop the rest of the activity. ;)

Mike is still having a little trouble with his sensory processing disorder, but he is still doing well. sometimes it's a challenge to remember that we need to take things slow or to give him more warning than usual when going somewhere, but he's do really well and we are really proud of him! We hope that our families and friends understand that this challenge is an ongoing thing, but that we are still making progress and as with anything there are set backs and times when it "flares-up".
Love you all!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I want to write about my Michael moo. He is such a wonderful blessing and joy to have in our home. He brings us new adventures everyday and what fun they are! in June Mike and Steve went on the father/son camp out up at green canyon hot springs. Mike had so much fun and still talks about going on another "picnic" with dad, "only boys" he tells me. He had fun with his friend Jonas who went up too. They went swimming and played with a stray dog. They set up tents, ate hot dogs, and I'm sure he was spoiled more than he should have been.
Steve was very daring I have to say, he let Mike sleep in his very own tent ALL BY HIMSELF! Probably good that I didn't know that until after they were safe and sound at home. ;)

Mike is so full of energy and life! He loves playing super heroes. The green hulk that is "so bad" and SUPER Y are his favorites. he even thinks that when he is playing pretend he has to do a spin to change characters! I love it!!! He's become so inquisitive about things and wants to do everything himself, which can be a problem, but what's life without the little adventures of experience? Oh! I just love this boy!

I'll have to find pictures from the camp out later
does anyone else have problems finding pictures on the computer? I guess that's what I get from only having steve put them on the computer ;)

Six months and trying to move forward

We have "hit" and moved through the 6 month mark. It's not been easy, but we've truly been blessed by so many of our neighbors and friends who still remember that we are still grieving, still trying to understand and accept God's will for our little family. We've learned quite a few things and hope that our memories will remain vivid of the joy we all had together when we were complete and not missing one.

Life does push us on though and I've found that sometimes it's a good thing. It seems (at least at the moment) that the old saying "time heals" is either not true or we all try to rush things faster than we should. I had this naive thought that I would already be "okay" and back to normal. I didn't want to accept the "stigma" of the thing it seems a lot of people tell you... "new normal." But it really is true. Our home is quieter and not so hectic, some days I wish for the challenges because i feel guilty not having to struggle as much anymore. I wish the guilt I feel would make some type of difference, but it doesn't and really, I am thankful that things are a little easier. Just wish it didn't "get easier" this way.

I've found it hard to be with family sometimes. They have their children, their families are whole, mine doesn't feel that way. It feels oddly out of place, like we are just visiting a strange place and we will get back to normal hopefully soon. In all actuality it is that way. We all are "just visiting." Having a perspective like that has helped us try to keep the spirituality that we were blessed with during the first month or so. I hope that in the future there are many days of happiness and less days of sorrow.

Joshua Jay Hansen
March 9 2005 ~ January 19 2009
Oh, how we love and miss our little boy

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Just some pics.

These are just few pictures that make my little heart smile!

Mike on his b-day. Yes he did have a birthday... it was just a little difficult that's why we've not said a whole lot. he loved his helmet though... just couldn't get it on right the first few times.

This is "wall-e" Mike thought Josh looked like wall-e when they were helping Steve clean out his truck last fall. And we love that we have this picture!

1. Josh as John Wayne. At least that's what I think. He was always serious and down to business with things even when he was "playing" My mom always told me that play was a child's work.
2. Mike and Josh were so proud of the headbands that they made at school. 11/08
3. Our Michael Moo on his last day of OT with the two therapists that worked with him and Josh. The one in the yellow( Race, bet he was given a hard time in school) was actually in our wedding line and worked mainly with Mike. The one in the blue (Sean) worked mainly with Josh and helped us so much! It was such a wonderful blessing to have that experience and I learned sooooo much from them! The stop sign was Mike's last minute thought, I'm not sure if he didn't want the picture or just his own little quirk.

This last one is from last weekend. Steve and I thought it was just so beautiful and a wonderful break from the rain. ;)
Hope you all know how much we love you and how much we appreciate the support you've given us in these past trying months. We know that we've been truly blessed by the prayers and love that's been offered in our behalf. Thanks for being understanding and willing to listen when we've needed it. It's helped more than I can express.

Fun with wax

So I found out that you can wax your fiber glass shower surrounds and you can just use car wax on it! I was so excited because it's suppose to help keep them cleaner, shiny looking and come on who wouldn't want that?! Anyway, so I did one wall and it looks wonderful, so being ambitious , a couple of days later I started on the rest. I put on the first coat and then you're suppose to let it dry and then lightly buff it off with a towel. BUT I got a phone call and lost track of time, so an hour or so later I went back and now......

I get to strip all the wax off and start over!!! Not so fun.

By the By VINEGAR strips wax off. It just takes a bit of patience.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

just a thought ~ F.E.A.R.

FEAR.... at one of the stake conferences a member of the stake presidency pushed this into my brain. He talked about how Satan puts fear into our hearts and minds to stop us from doing what we need to and what God wants us to do. He spelled it out this way:

F ~ false
E ~ expectations
A ~ appearing
R ~ real

puts into perspective doesn't it?! So why put off helping someone else, making a phone call, helping someone you don't know? Get up, get out, and do something good! Service will bring us an abundance of blessings.
Things are being finalized more and more now. Josh's headstone will be here soon and his grave has been leveled out and is ready for sod. It's a strange feeling.

It's somewhat like the feeling when you are a kid and you're hoping your parents will let you do something, but in the back of your mind you know it's not going to happen. That false sense of hope pushes any other logical thoughts out and you hold on until the final verdict.

I guess I've held onto a hope that I'm going to wake up and none of this will have happened. No more "elephants in the room" when people talk to me or looks of, "what do I say to them." Just back to what was "normal." But, I know that's not what's going to happen. This is our new "normal." Making memories, but only with three not four.

It's been a strange trial and blessing to have Steve's cousin to share this with. Their family experienced this almost 3 months before we did when their daughter Kiersten Gemar passed away in her sleep from a seizure. Graig and Shellie have been such a blessing. They helped us so much especially that week up to the funeral, sending us text messages to help bolster us up and knowing that they are continuing on this journey of acceptance, sorrow, and joy... it's just nice to know there is company.

I guess what I've been trying to get out is swirled thoughts that may only make sense to myself. Hold your little ones close, give one more second of patience, one more hug before they get on the bus, allow yourself to view this life as just a piece of the eternal perspective. Enjoy the challenges, learn from the frustrations, find joy in this wonderful journey.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Small thoughts of missing a brother.

It's been awhile, but today with how windy it is outside it made me remember something Michael asked the day after their birthday. Michael was wanting to make a deal. It's the sort that just tore at my heart strings. He came running out of our family room with all his birthday balloons and asked with this beautifully hopeful face if he could let them go up into the sky to go to Heavenly Father.

The weekend before we celebrated Mike and Maddie's Birthdays with the extended family. All the cousins and family drew (tried to) something on a balloon to send up to Josh for his birthday.(Thanks Megan for recording it) It was really neat, thanks everyone.

Anyway, I asked him why he wanted to do that and with such a bright face he explained (as best he could with his limited vocab.) that he thought Josh could come down and play if he sent his balloons up to Heavenly Father in the sky. Oh, how I wish it were that easy!

Mike as really taken this okay and adjusted well. He still misses him terribly some days, but reassures Steve and I that we will see Josh again when it's our turn to go up to Heavenly Father. We've been really blessed to have such a matter-of-fact kind of kid in our home. He brings us so much joy!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


two in one day, I'm going for the record! Today I've been fighting a migraine. Not the most wonderful thing, but you just plug along right? Michael noticed that I wasn't feeling 100% and asked me what was wrong. I told him that my head hurt. Michael promptly went to the closet and got a band aid out. He stuck it to my forehead and looked really worried to see if band aids really worked. To humor him I told him it made me feel a lot better and left it there for an hour or so. What a sweetie!


Most everyone knows that our little Joshua was needed elsewhere with our Father in Heaven. It's been a rocky road of peace and then frustration and then peace and then sometimes anger. We miss him so much! At the present moment I do so much miss holding him and hugging him, I miss his little voice that was just coming out. He worked so hard at speech therapy that in the last year it's been a tremendous joy to have him speak to us without so much pushing. I miss his high pitched scream, his laughter and fighting with Michael, I miss his singsong voice saying, "coming mom." I miss hearing Michael and Josh giggle when they were suppose to be asleep and so many other things. But that's not the purpose of my writing today. Today I wanted to share a poem by Corrie Tem Boom, a holocaust survivor. I heard it on a John Bytheway talk and it's helped bring a little "understanding" on rough days. Here it is:

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors
He worketh steadily
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver's hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned ~~

Isn't that the truth? We don't have to know or even understand every little thing that God is allowing or doing. We do need to know and understand that He loves us and that this life is only a moment. We so often speak of looking at things with an eternal perspective and sometimes it's a cliche` when we are having a rough time. But I KNOW that this life is but a moment and that the suffering, sorrow, etc. won't be forever. They may be painful, but how can we think or believe for that matter that the Lord doesn't know first hand how we feel. We are never the only one who knows our pain or for that matter our JOY ;) He has not and will not leave us to suffer alone, but we must be willing to allow His love and influence in our lives. Steve and I know that Josh is still part of our family and Michael knows that too. We know that we can be together as family eternally someday. It's not that we just want to get to be with Josh again, It's that we want our family together again. So for now we will take little steps forward and pray that our hearts and minds will stay softened to the will of the Lord.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Old is New again

It's the new year and it's been fantastic so far. We are getting back into the groove of things and Mike and Josh are now sunbeams in primary!!! WOW! But really today I'm writing because I have been really touched by a Christmas present that I was given from my father. He took some of our old family movies and put them on a dvd... he even put the woody the woodpecker cartoon that we love so much on there! It's been so much fun to watch and relish in how simplistic life can be if we get out of the way! I really hope, more than that, I desire for my children and those I love to enjoy and cherish life!

Where today we see that adults and children...etc... have an insatiable appetite for "stuff", I want so much to teach my children different. As I watched the movies it was wonderful to see how happy we all were. I loved seeing Becky dancing with her doll @ Grandma Pence's house, being happy with her grocery bag pompoms, Jennie dancing the hula and her b-day party bow hat, Aaron playing t-ball and making faces every chance he got, and my parents...young and probably struggling with things that I am now. It was sad that Steph wasn't on there, but these videos are from when I was an infant... so of course I was all cute and following everything Becky did.
What a wonderful gift! It's going to be wonderful showing my kids that Grandpa once had a full head of hair and that their Great Grandparents once had mobility! I'm so excited to have this piece of family history!