Families are Love

Saturday, April 25, 2009

just a thought ~ F.E.A.R.

FEAR.... at one of the stake conferences a member of the stake presidency pushed this into my brain. He talked about how Satan puts fear into our hearts and minds to stop us from doing what we need to and what God wants us to do. He spelled it out this way:

F ~ false
E ~ expectations
A ~ appearing
R ~ real

puts into perspective doesn't it?! So why put off helping someone else, making a phone call, helping someone you don't know? Get up, get out, and do something good! Service will bring us an abundance of blessings.
Things are being finalized more and more now. Josh's headstone will be here soon and his grave has been leveled out and is ready for sod. It's a strange feeling.

It's somewhat like the feeling when you are a kid and you're hoping your parents will let you do something, but in the back of your mind you know it's not going to happen. That false sense of hope pushes any other logical thoughts out and you hold on until the final verdict.

I guess I've held onto a hope that I'm going to wake up and none of this will have happened. No more "elephants in the room" when people talk to me or looks of, "what do I say to them." Just back to what was "normal." But, I know that's not what's going to happen. This is our new "normal." Making memories, but only with three not four.

It's been a strange trial and blessing to have Steve's cousin to share this with. Their family experienced this almost 3 months before we did when their daughter Kiersten Gemar passed away in her sleep from a seizure. Graig and Shellie have been such a blessing. They helped us so much especially that week up to the funeral, sending us text messages to help bolster us up and knowing that they are continuing on this journey of acceptance, sorrow, and joy... it's just nice to know there is company.

I guess what I've been trying to get out is swirled thoughts that may only make sense to myself. Hold your little ones close, give one more second of patience, one more hug before they get on the bus, allow yourself to view this life as just a piece of the eternal perspective. Enjoy the challenges, learn from the frustrations, find joy in this wonderful journey.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Small thoughts of missing a brother.

It's been awhile, but today with how windy it is outside it made me remember something Michael asked the day after their birthday. Michael was wanting to make a deal. It's the sort that just tore at my heart strings. He came running out of our family room with all his birthday balloons and asked with this beautifully hopeful face if he could let them go up into the sky to go to Heavenly Father.

The weekend before we celebrated Mike and Maddie's Birthdays with the extended family. All the cousins and family drew (tried to) something on a balloon to send up to Josh for his birthday.(Thanks Megan for recording it) It was really neat, thanks everyone.

Anyway, I asked him why he wanted to do that and with such a bright face he explained (as best he could with his limited vocab.) that he thought Josh could come down and play if he sent his balloons up to Heavenly Father in the sky. Oh, how I wish it were that easy!

Mike as really taken this okay and adjusted well. He still misses him terribly some days, but reassures Steve and I that we will see Josh again when it's our turn to go up to Heavenly Father. We've been really blessed to have such a matter-of-fact kind of kid in our home. He brings us so much joy!