Nine Months has gone by...

(Christmas 2008... trip to SLC for Temple Square lights and Christmas at Grandma's house )

I hope that no one takes me for a mother who is not able to see past the pain of losing a child. I can and do, but curiously the significant "time frames" of infants has come into play with our little Josh's passing. Ya know 1 wk, 1 mo., 3 mo., 6mo. 9mo., etc. This last one... 9 months... has been rough. The weekend of our "9 mo. anniversary" was marked by three people that we have loved and cherished.

October 16th was the 1 year mark for the Gemar family. Keirsten has been missed by them and the extended family for a year now.Which in my mind triggered a lot of questions. How do you "celebrate" or "commemorate." Being naive and ignorant to the feelings of losing a loved one a few years ago I would have thought, "why celebrate or continue grieving... we know where they are and we know the plan." But the Lord has given me experience and in experience you learn and hopefully grow from it... sometimes painfully.

(waiting for the bus fall 2008)

October 17th was Grandpa Heber's 1 month mark. Dorothy seems to be doing well. She keeps busy and truly that helps! He's missed, but we are thankful that we were able to know him before he passed. Mike likes the thought of Heber being in Heaven with Josh playing or watching football.

Those two realizations that weekend reminded me that October is set up like January was this year and so Sunday Oct. 18th was a night of remembering things. Thankfully time and the Lord's help has softened the things of that evening (Jan. 18), but it's still the night that everything was put into motion and the night that lead to our little one being taken home just past midnight on Jan. 19, 2009.

We are very thankful that we had our little boy here for as long as we did. Josh was a joy and a blessing in our home. At times it was challenging. In June of 2008 he was officially, and in my mind finally, diagnosed with autism... he mostly had hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli and textures especially with food, he was behind developmentally and also with his speech. But even with the struggles of trying to figure out how to afford therapy, make sure he's getting all the help he needed at school, make sure he could socially interact with others his age at some point... he was worth all that time, all the worry, all the love we were able to have together. Josh had a big heart and loved everyone around him... sometimes they didn't know it. Mike and Josh would fight about almost everything, but they always loved each other! The laughter that would come out of their room during bedtime or nap time in complete darkness was a wonderful sound to fall on my ears! Boy! I miss that!

I am so very thankful for the Lord's mercy on my little one. Josh does not have to go through all the trials of this world nor struggle with the limitations he had anymore. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time for Steve, Mike, and I. We miss having him in our home, in our arms so very much, but we know it is for our good, his good, and just part of our journey to being an eternal family. Knowing we have Josh on the other side waiting for us and working towards the Second Coming, put the plan of salvation in another light for us. Sometimes as Latter-Day Saints we "believe" all the things we are taught, but they don't seem real or a matter of actual salvation. When daily we go through a host of smoke screens put up by the opposition to make what is real look fuzzy and not so important or not to be taken so seriously. What a blessing it is to have the gospel of Jesus Christ on this earth! I can't wait for our family to feel more complete again!

On Jan. 19 2009 our little one was gone. Just his earthly body remained and the tears of his family. Josh had been sick for about a week and it was determined that it was just the flu, but what we didn't know is that Josh had a metabolic disorder that made the flu not just a normal sickness that everyone gets and gets over. The flu triggered Reye's syndrome in his body. (by-the-by... I found out September is national Reye's Syndrome month... ribbon color is blue) The bigger problem is that we didn't find that out until we received that autopsy in February. The doctors in Idaho Falls and down at Primary Children's Hospital couldn't figure out what was going on. His oxygen levels just would not stabilize, so we were going to go on his first plane flight to Salt Lake to get better care than they could give us in Idaho Falls. Small and simple things really were put in place to help us... the Lord was really mindful of us. The ER doctor in IF was a man who went to high school with Aaron and his family knew ours, a friend of Steve's was working at the hospital that night too, my parent's and sister were taking care of Mike in the waiting room, and other things that really helped. The Spirit was very strong in our little room at the hospital that night and I know that I will never be able to forget or deny the Lord's love and plan for me and my family. In the things that I've learned about leaving this life... the one that sticks out the most is something that President Kimball says in his little booklet called "Destiny or Tragedy." He basically says that the body has to physically die somehow. That has helped in the sense that everything they did to save Josh should have worked... even with Reye's , but didn't. Every effort was made to help us keep our son here, but ultimately Josh is and was needed with our Father in Heaven more and I think he knew that and accepted it.

I've not written any of this to offend, so please don't be. I just realize that I've needed to write this and that my family has needed to know and understand what this is like, how it feels, and not to be "weird" about the elephant in the room. It might be there for awhile longer because mourning and grief is a BIG process; bigger than I ever thought it would be. But I'm still me, we are still us, and we love all of our family so very much!

Cherished and loved he will always be
3-9-05 to 1-19-09