Nine Months has gone by...

(Christmas 2008... trip to SLC for Temple Square lights and Christmas at Grandma's house )

I hope that no one takes me for a mother who is not able to see past the pain of losing a child. I can and do, but curiously the significant "time frames" of infants has come into play with our little Josh's passing. Ya know 1 wk, 1 mo., 3 mo., 6mo. 9mo., etc. This last one... 9 months... has been rough. The weekend of our "9 mo. anniversary" was marked by three people that we have loved and cherished.

October 16th was the 1 year mark for the Gemar family. Keirsten has been missed by them and the extended family for a year now.Which in my mind triggered a lot of questions. How do you "celebrate" or "commemorate." Being naive and ignorant to the feelings of losing a loved one a few years ago I would have thought, "why celebrate or continue grieving... we know where they are and we know the plan." But the Lord has given me experience and in experience you learn and hopefully grow from it... sometimes painfully.

(waiting for the bus fall 2008)

October 17th was Grandpa Heber's 1 month mark. Dorothy seems to be doing well. She keeps busy and truly that helps! He's missed, but we are thankful that we were able to know him before he passed. Mike likes the thought of Heber being in Heaven with Josh playing or watching football.

Those two realizations that weekend reminded me that October is set up like January was this year and so Sunday Oct. 18th was a night of remembering things. Thankfully time and the Lord's help has softened the things of that evening (Jan. 18), but it's still the night that everything was put into motion and the night that lead to our little one being taken home just past midnight on Jan. 19, 2009.

We are very thankful that we had our little boy here for as long as we did. Josh was a joy and a blessing in our home. At times it was challenging. In June of 2008 he was officially, and in my mind finally, diagnosed with autism... he mostly had hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli and textures especially with food, he was behind developmentally and also with his speech. But even with the struggles of trying to figure out how to afford therapy, make sure he's getting all the help he needed at school, make sure he could socially interact with others his age at some point... he was worth all that time, all the worry, all the love we were able to have together. Josh had a big heart and loved everyone around him... sometimes they didn't know it. Mike and Josh would fight about almost everything, but they always loved each other! The laughter that would come out of their room during bedtime or nap time in complete darkness was a wonderful sound to fall on my ears! Boy! I miss that!

I am so very thankful for the Lord's mercy on my little one. Josh does not have to go through all the trials of this world nor struggle with the limitations he had anymore. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time for Steve, Mike, and I. We miss having him in our home, in our arms so very much, but we know it is for our good, his good, and just part of our journey to being an eternal family. Knowing we have Josh on the other side waiting for us and working towards the Second Coming, put the plan of salvation in another light for us. Sometimes as Latter-Day Saints we "believe" all the things we are taught, but they don't seem real or a matter of actual salvation. When daily we go through a host of smoke screens put up by the opposition to make what is real look fuzzy and not so important or not to be taken so seriously. What a blessing it is to have the gospel of Jesus Christ on this earth! I can't wait for our family to feel more complete again!

On Jan. 19 2009 our little one was gone. Just his earthly body remained and the tears of his family. Josh had been sick for about a week and it was determined that it was just the flu, but what we didn't know is that Josh had a metabolic disorder that made the flu not just a normal sickness that everyone gets and gets over. The flu triggered Reye's syndrome in his body. (by-the-by... I found out September is national Reye's Syndrome month... ribbon color is blue) The bigger problem is that we didn't find that out until we received that autopsy in February. The doctors in Idaho Falls and down at Primary Children's Hospital couldn't figure out what was going on. His oxygen levels just would not stabilize, so we were going to go on his first plane flight to Salt Lake to get better care than they could give us in Idaho Falls. Small and simple things really were put in place to help us... the Lord was really mindful of us. The ER doctor in IF was a man who went to high school with Aaron and his family knew ours, a friend of Steve's was working at the hospital that night too, my parent's and sister were taking care of Mike in the waiting room, and other things that really helped. The Spirit was very strong in our little room at the hospital that night and I know that I will never be able to forget or deny the Lord's love and plan for me and my family. In the things that I've learned about leaving this life... the one that sticks out the most is something that President Kimball says in his little booklet called "Destiny or Tragedy." He basically says that the body has to physically die somehow. That has helped in the sense that everything they did to save Josh should have worked... even with Reye's , but didn't. Every effort was made to help us keep our son here, but ultimately Josh is and was needed with our Father in Heaven more and I think he knew that and accepted it.

I've not written any of this to offend, so please don't be. I just realize that I've needed to write this and that my family has needed to know and understand what this is like, how it feels, and not to be "weird" about the elephant in the room. It might be there for awhile longer because mourning and grief is a BIG process; bigger than I ever thought it would be. But I'm still me, we are still us, and we love all of our family so very much!

Cherished and loved he will always be
3-9-05 to 1-19-09

Thursday Thought

Whoa! Did I actually use a nifty title ;) ? Anywhoo... I am basically finished working at night now, so I have idle hands. Thanks to my sister and sister-in-law, I followed links on their blogs that now have me addicted to crafty hands- on ... in short really fun blogs and websites. Today while I was scanning to find something fun to craft up I came across a really neat quote on one of them and thought I really need to share it!!!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Disclaimer: I found the quote on Little Miss Craft Pants , so I have no idea if Sister Hinckley said this or not. But I think it's a great attitude we all could stand to get into!

P.S. i do hope to get my new addiction under control, but my modpodge has been out quite a bit lately! :)

For those who haven't...

For those who aren't close, here is a picture of Joshua's final headstone.

Wow! what a strange thing to have to say!

Passing of Grandpa Heber

This past week has been a very full one. Last Thursday night Steve's grandpa passed away. Thankfully we had gone over Wednesday night and said our goodbyes... even Mike. I am very thankful that Heber didn't have to suffer any longer with his illness and sad that Grandma Dot will have to be without her sweetheart for awhile.

I had the opportunity to help them once a week "clean" their house. I was surprised the things that I learned and began to cherish about them. My most favorite was how tender and selfless they were with one another. They both have had plenty of health problems and they had to rely on each other. For quite awhile I can remember Steve telling me about his grandpa having to take care of Dot and in the last year it's been the other way around. I think their example they showed in their own home has helped me want to be a much better companion to my own sweetheart.

Mike was blessed to know his Great Grandpa and somehow it seemed that they had a good relationship for two people who hardly saw one another. I am grateful for the love that Heber showed Michael and that Mike was always excited to go to great grandma and grandpa's house with me. it was a great blessing to feel the bond of love they shared. Heber and Dot always took the time to tell Mike that he loved him. Something I'm sure we can all do a little more.

Heber is now the 3rd family member on Steve's side of the family to be taken home... all on the Hansen side. Keirsten passed away last October, than Josh in January, and now Heber this past week. Steve and I hope that they were there to help greet him. So this year has been full enough of loved ones leaving.

Heber's passing has churned up emotions that I didn't know were so close to the surface, but it's been wonderful to remember and accept again the Lord's plan for all of us. We hope that all of our family members know just how very much we love and appreciate them. We are so thankful that this life is not all, we are so thankful that there's more and that we'll still have these relationships, bonds of love, and joys after it's our turn to move on to the next. Won't it be great to remember all those who have gone before us to help us! It will be a much anticipated day in this little family to be reunited with our loved ones who have moved on to a much better place.
(Wilma, Keirsten, JoshuaJay, and now Heber)

Heber's funeral will be on Saturday morning and his obituary can be viewed here.

one more

Today I've been very thoughtful and I must admit that it's been kind of painful.
On Thursday evening Heber passed away. It was expected and truthfully I've been surprised at how long he held on for Dot and the rest of the family.

For the past 5 months I have had the privelege to get to know Heber and Dot better when I would go over and "clean" what Dorothy couldn't. It's been a wonderful blessing to listen to the banter back and forth from them, listen to their stories of life and their challenges, help where I could, and especially the past 2 months where Heber was ever so tender with Dorothy.

In the hustle and bustle of life I find myself, like everyone else, taking my loved ones for granted. There is always that "in just a minute" factor that we shove into our lives. I had thought that after Josh's passing it wouldn't be hard to keep it out of our life, but slowly it weasled back in... thankfully not as before. I'm reminded now how much I love my family/families and how very precious my husband and children are to me.

We were able to say goodbye to Heber on Wednesday night and have a short but good conversation with him.

Kid's say the funniest things!

So this morning at breakfast I had a gut busting laugh session with Mike. It went like this:

Mike: Look it's like a wheel (his bowl)

Me: Oh, ya it is like a wheel. They're both circles. (I'm thinking that's great! )

Mike: Watch! (and he spun his cereal bowl around with milk and all still inside... no spills) Whoo!! fifty dollars! "A." One "A" ding Whoo!

Steve and Mike have been watching Wheel of Fortune for an after dinner treat and mike just loves it! Before he was done with this mornings little performance he had me "solve the puzzle" with his help of course. the answer was "ABC"

I'm Michael Dean Hansen and I approve this posting

Many Adventures update

Well we've finally started preschool again! Mike has been so excited and after a slip up on days and times Mike was finally off and rearing to go! It was a little bitter sweet for Steve and I. There was that strange feeling that something wasn't right and later realized that it was the fact that it was just Mike getting on the bus, not Mike and Josh. BUT, we know that Josh is doing important work for the Second Coming.
(picture: Fist day of school and so ready to go! We had been waiting for about 1/2 an hour. )




Mike has been asking a lot of questions lately about where Josh is and is starting to understand things a little better. He no longer thinks that the funeral home is Heavenly Father's house and that he could find Josh there. He's starting to accept things as they are, but on lonely days when the other kids are at school in the mornings, it's hard to watch him be alone. I guess we've had a hard realization on just how much a parent's love is part of our every fiber. Mike's little personality is blossoming and hopefully he continues to be excited about life and smiling about almost everything.... he doesn't smile about new food, it's not his favorite thing to have to try. ;) He loves to help with everything... what a blessing! He loves to sing in primary and loves Sister Jones (his sunbeam teacher!). Mike is such a special boy, I think he already understands how to help others who are having a hard time and is very sensitive to others' needs. I am so glad that Heavenly Father choose me to be his mom.



Last week in church, Mike gave a talk in primary. He did a wonderful job talking about the Temple. We wrote his talk kind of based on what he told me from the primary trip to the visitor's center. I guess he kept telling Sister Callejas that he would go to the temple when he was 17 AND when a little old temple worker opened the baptistry door to see who was outside he zipped past and tried to go in. I can just see the Bishop's and primary leaders' faces!!! But they knew it was an innocent mistake and Mike got the opportunity to have some special "attention" from the Bishop the rest of the activity. ;)



Mike is still having a little trouble with his sensory processing disorder, but he is still doing well. sometimes it's a challenge to remember that we need to take things slow or to give him more warning than usual when going somewhere, but he's do really well and we are really proud of him! We hope that our families and friends understand that this challenge is an ongoing thing, but that we are still making progress and as with anything there are set backs and times when it "flares-up".
Love you all!

I want to write about my Michael moo. He is such a wonderful blessing and joy to have in our home. He brings us new adventures everyday and what fun they are! in June Mike and Steve went on the father/son camp out up at green canyon hot springs. Mike had so much fun and still talks about going on another "picnic" with dad, "only boys" he tells me. He had fun with his friend Jonas who went up too. They went swimming and played with a stray dog. They set up tents, ate hot dogs, and I'm sure he was spoiled more than he should have been.
Steve was very daring I have to say, he let Mike sleep in his very own tent ALL BY HIMSELF! Probably good that I didn't know that until after they were safe and sound at home. ;)

Mike is so full of energy and life! He loves playing super heroes. The green hulk that is "so bad" and SUPER Y are his favorites. he even thinks that when he is playing pretend he has to do a spin to change characters! I love it!!! He's become so inquisitive about things and wants to do everything himself, which can be a problem, but what's life without the little adventures of experience? Oh! I just love this boy!

I'll have to find pictures from the camp out later
does anyone else have problems finding pictures on the computer? I guess that's what I get from only having steve put them on the computer ;)

Six months and trying to move forward

We have "hit" and moved through the 6 month mark. It's not been easy, but we've truly been blessed by so many of our neighbors and friends who still remember that we are still grieving, still trying to understand and accept God's will for our little family. We've learned quite a few things and hope that our memories will remain vivid of the joy we all had together when we were complete and not missing one.

Life does push us on though and I've found that sometimes it's a good thing. It seems (at least at the moment) that the old saying "time heals" is either not true or we all try to rush things faster than we should. I had this naive thought that I would already be "okay" and back to normal. I didn't want to accept the "stigma" of the thing it seems a lot of people tell you... "new normal." But it really is true. Our home is quieter and not so hectic, some days I wish for the challenges because i feel guilty not having to struggle as much anymore. I wish the guilt I feel would make some type of difference, but it doesn't and really, I am thankful that things are a little easier. Just wish it didn't "get easier" this way.

I've found it hard to be with family sometimes. They have their children, their families are whole, mine doesn't feel that way. It feels oddly out of place, like we are just visiting a strange place and we will get back to normal hopefully soon. In all actuality it is that way. We all are "just visiting." Having a perspective like that has helped us try to keep the spirituality that we were blessed with during the first month or so. I hope that in the future there are many days of happiness and less days of sorrow.

Joshua Jay Hansen
March 9 2005 ~ January 19 2009
Oh, how we love and miss our little boy