Calm Inevitability Jan. 20 2010

A year has now passed from the last time I was able to hold my little Joshua Jay on this earth. It’s been 12 months of ups, downs and many, many inbetweens. Sometimes it felt as if no one could understand the longing, the miserable missing, and the incredible guilt that can come from being a parent and not being able save your child. It’s been a year of a few steps forward and a few steps back, hopefully more forward than back. Steven, Michael, and I have been blessed with peace, comfort, knowledge, and understanding during this ordeal. We have been blessed so abundantly by the Lord this passed year, sometimes it didn’t seem like a blessing, but it’s always ended up being another testament that the Lord knows and is much, much wiser than ourselves. There are still many questions of “why did this happen?” and “does it ever stop pricking at your heart?” But again the blessings have rolled in in unexpected ways to help our family feel love and comfort. I have appreciated so much the kindness and understanding that I have received from a thoughtful visiting teaching companion, little girls in the activity day group, my mother and father, my siblings and their families. In circumstances where grief is great, having people show that they care is a tremendous mercy that I don’t think we realize until we need it especially when it comes from those whom we love and are close to.

During the past weekend it was impossible to ignore the reminiscing in my heart of the events of last year. It seems as though Steve and Michael felt the same way too. Sunday was the hardest because it was “that day” last year. It was the last day that Joshua was here, the last time we heard his voice, last time we carried him, the last time I could wrap him up, last time we were able to feel like a complete family. Michael has talked a lot of Josh in the last week and even the night he passed away. I had a hope that Mike wouldn’t remember very much because I thought it might be too traumatic, but he remembers quite a bit. Michael remembers Josh being upset at the doctors, giving him a hug, taking him movies, and me cuddling Josh in the hospital bed to keep him warm. We were very blessed that night to have my parents and sister there to watch over Mike and give us a lot of support, support that I’m sure they never wanted to have to give. Steve and I remembered the doctor’s kindness, the surreal feeling it all had, and making Dr. Porter sit on the ground and answer blunt questions about what to do. We remember that calm peace that was placed lovingly in our hearts that night as we spent time holding Josh’s body and trying to accept the Lord’s will for us. We remember kind nurses and hospital staff giving us all the time we needed in the room and the Priesthood blessings we were given. But the most important thing that we remember is how abundant and unrestrained the Lord’s spirit and love was that night. We are so thankful that we were able to feel Josh near us even though he had passed and thankful that we were able to be peaceful.

Michael picked out a spider man car to take to the cemetery along with an elephant (Josh’s favorite), an alligator, but not a lion which Michael let us know was something Josh liked. We also took out white balloons because it’s too cold for flowers. My mom came down on Tuesday and took some pretty orange and yellow silk tulips to Josh’s grave, which just brightened my day. We spent some time together talking and remembering time with the family, it was nice to have that time with her and know that she understands that pain and ache that I sometimes feel. Steve helped me be calm and accepting and just helped me feel loved. We were going to go out to dinner to Leo’s because Michael and Josh loved to play there together, but Michael has strep and that’s been another wonderful adventure ;). We feel a lot of gratitude for Michael and his wonderful appetite for life. He’s such a joy and a blessing to have in our home and part of our eternal family. I know someday we’ll be given answers as to why Michael and Josh were sent to us together only to have Josh leave us earlier than we ever thought. We are thankful that Lord has always answered our prayers and taken care to help heal our hearts. He has given us hope. Hope enough to look forward to the future, to the adventures we still get to experience on this earth, and hope to keeping moving until we are all together again.

I know that someday joy will be unrestrained as we all are reunited to those whom we have been separated from. But for now we find strength and joy in our loved ones we have with us and hope in the future.

Always loved, Always an adventure, Always will be missed.
Until we meet again, we love you, our little Joshua Jay.