I want to write about my Michael moo. He is such a wonderful blessing and joy to have in our home. He brings us new adventures everyday and what fun they are! in June Mike and Steve went on the father/son camp out up at green canyon hot springs. Mike had so much fun and still talks about going on another "picnic" with dad, "only boys" he tells me. He had fun with his friend Jonas who went up too. They went swimming and played with a stray dog. They set up tents, ate hot dogs, and I'm sure he was spoiled more than he should have been.
Steve was very daring I have to say, he let Mike sleep in his very own tent ALL BY HIMSELF! Probably good that I didn't know that until after they were safe and sound at home. ;)

Mike is so full of energy and life! He loves playing super heroes. The green hulk that is "so bad" and SUPER Y are his favorites. he even thinks that when he is playing pretend he has to do a spin to change characters! I love it!!! He's become so inquisitive about things and wants to do everything himself, which can be a problem, but what's life without the little adventures of experience? Oh! I just love this boy!

I'll have to find pictures from the camp out later
does anyone else have problems finding pictures on the computer? I guess that's what I get from only having steve put them on the computer ;)

Six months and trying to move forward

We have "hit" and moved through the 6 month mark. It's not been easy, but we've truly been blessed by so many of our neighbors and friends who still remember that we are still grieving, still trying to understand and accept God's will for our little family. We've learned quite a few things and hope that our memories will remain vivid of the joy we all had together when we were complete and not missing one.

Life does push us on though and I've found that sometimes it's a good thing. It seems (at least at the moment) that the old saying "time heals" is either not true or we all try to rush things faster than we should. I had this naive thought that I would already be "okay" and back to normal. I didn't want to accept the "stigma" of the thing it seems a lot of people tell you... "new normal." But it really is true. Our home is quieter and not so hectic, some days I wish for the challenges because i feel guilty not having to struggle as much anymore. I wish the guilt I feel would make some type of difference, but it doesn't and really, I am thankful that things are a little easier. Just wish it didn't "get easier" this way.

I've found it hard to be with family sometimes. They have their children, their families are whole, mine doesn't feel that way. It feels oddly out of place, like we are just visiting a strange place and we will get back to normal hopefully soon. In all actuality it is that way. We all are "just visiting." Having a perspective like that has helped us try to keep the spirituality that we were blessed with during the first month or so. I hope that in the future there are many days of happiness and less days of sorrow.

Joshua Jay Hansen
March 9 2005 ~ January 19 2009
Oh, how we love and miss our little boy

Just some pics.

These are just few pictures that make my little heart smile!



Mike on his b-day. Yes he did have a birthday... it was just a little difficult that's why we've not said a whole lot. he loved his helmet though... just couldn't get it on right the first few times.


This is "wall-e" Mike thought Josh looked like wall-e when they were helping Steve clean out his truck last fall. And we love that we have this picture!












1. Josh as John Wayne. At least that's what I think. He was always serious and down to business with things even when he was "playing" My mom always told me that play was a child's work.
2. Mike and Josh were so proud of the headbands that they made at school. 11/08
3. Our Michael Moo on his last day of OT with the two therapists that worked with him and Josh. The one in the yellow( Race, bet he was given a hard time in school) was actually in our wedding line and worked mainly with Mike. The one in the blue (Sean) worked mainly with Josh and helped us so much! It was such a wonderful blessing to have that experience and I learned sooooo much from them! The stop sign was Mike's last minute thought, I'm not sure if he didn't want the picture or just his own little quirk.

This last one is from last weekend. Steve and I thought it was just so beautiful and a wonderful break from the rain. ;)
Hope you all know how much we love you and how much we appreciate the support you've given us in these past trying months. We know that we've been truly blessed by the prayers and love that's been offered in our behalf. Thanks for being understanding and willing to listen when we've needed it. It's helped more than I can express.

Fun with wax

So I found out that you can wax your fiber glass shower surrounds and you can just use car wax on it! I was so excited because it's suppose to help keep them cleaner, shiny looking and come on who wouldn't want that?! Anyway, so I did one wall and it looks wonderful, so being ambitious , a couple of days later I started on the rest. I put on the first coat and then you're suppose to let it dry and then lightly buff it off with a towel. BUT I got a phone call and lost track of time, so an hour or so later I went back and now......

I get to strip all the wax off and start over!!! Not so fun.

By the By VINEGAR strips wax off. It just takes a bit of patience.

just a thought ~ F.E.A.R.

FEAR.... at one of the stake conferences a member of the stake presidency pushed this into my brain. He talked about how Satan puts fear into our hearts and minds to stop us from doing what we need to and what God wants us to do. He spelled it out this way:

F ~ false
E ~ expectations
A ~ appearing
R ~ real

puts into perspective doesn't it?! So why put off helping someone else, making a phone call, helping someone you don't know? Get up, get out, and do something good! Service will bring us an abundance of blessings.

Things are being finalized more and more now. Josh's headstone will be here soon and his grave has been leveled out and is ready for sod. It's a strange feeling.

It's somewhat like the feeling when you are a kid and you're hoping your parents will let you do something, but in the back of your mind you know it's not going to happen. That false sense of hope pushes any other logical thoughts out and you hold on until the final verdict.

I guess I've held onto a hope that I'm going to wake up and none of this will have happened. No more "elephants in the room" when people talk to me or looks of, "what do I say to them." Just back to what was "normal." But, I know that's not what's going to happen. This is our new "normal." Making memories, but only with three not four.

It's been a strange trial and blessing to have Steve's cousin to share this with. Their family experienced this almost 3 months before we did when their daughter Kiersten Gemar passed away in her sleep from a seizure. Graig and Shellie have been such a blessing. They helped us so much especially that week up to the funeral, sending us text messages to help bolster us up and knowing that they are continuing on this journey of acceptance, sorrow, and joy... it's just nice to know there is company.

I guess what I've been trying to get out is swirled thoughts that may only make sense to myself. Hold your little ones close, give one more second of patience, one more hug before they get on the bus, allow yourself to view this life as just a piece of the eternal perspective. Enjoy the challenges, learn from the frustrations, find joy in this wonderful journey.

Small thoughts of missing a brother.

It's been awhile, but today with how windy it is outside it made me remember something Michael asked the day after their birthday. Michael was wanting to make a deal. It's the sort that just tore at my heart strings. He came running out of our family room with all his birthday balloons and asked with this beautifully hopeful face if he could let them go up into the sky to go to Heavenly Father.

The weekend before we celebrated Mike and Maddie's Birthdays with the extended family. All the cousins and family drew (tried to) something on a balloon to send up to Josh for his birthday.(Thanks Megan for recording it) It was really neat, thanks everyone.

Anyway, I asked him why he wanted to do that and with such a bright face he explained (as best he could with his limited vocab.) that he thought Josh could come down and play if he sent his balloons up to Heavenly Father in the sky. Oh, how I wish it were that easy!

Mike as really taken this okay and adjusted well. He still misses him terribly some days, but reassures Steve and I that we will see Josh again when it's our turn to go up to Heavenly Father. We've been really blessed to have such a matter-of-fact kind of kid in our home. He brings us so much joy!

Headache

two in one day, I'm going for the record! Today I've been fighting a migraine. Not the most wonderful thing, but you just plug along right? Michael noticed that I wasn't feeling 100% and asked me what was wrong. I told him that my head hurt. Michael promptly went to the closet and got a band aid out. He stuck it to my forehead and looked really worried to see if band aids really worked. To humor him I told him it made me feel a lot better and left it there for an hour or so. What a sweetie!

Thoughts

Most everyone knows that our little Joshua was needed elsewhere with our Father in Heaven. It's been a rocky road of peace and then frustration and then peace and then sometimes anger. We miss him so much! At the present moment I do so much miss holding him and hugging him, I miss his little voice that was just coming out. He worked so hard at speech therapy that in the last year it's been a tremendous joy to have him speak to us without so much pushing. I miss his high pitched scream, his laughter and fighting with Michael, I miss his singsong voice saying, "coming mom." I miss hearing Michael and Josh giggle when they were suppose to be asleep and so many other things. But that's not the purpose of my writing today. Today I wanted to share a poem by Corrie Tem Boom, a holocaust survivor. I heard it on a John Bytheway talk and it's helped bring a little "understanding" on rough days. Here it is:

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors
He worketh steadily
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful weaver's hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned ~~

Isn't that the truth? We don't have to know or even understand every little thing that God is allowing or doing. We do need to know and understand that He loves us and that this life is only a moment. We so often speak of looking at things with an eternal perspective and sometimes it's a cliche` when we are having a rough time. But I KNOW that this life is but a moment and that the suffering, sorrow, etc. won't be forever. They may be painful, but how can we think or believe for that matter that the Lord doesn't know first hand how we feel. We are never the only one who knows our pain or for that matter our JOY ;) He has not and will not leave us to suffer alone, but we must be willing to allow His love and influence in our lives. Steve and I know that Josh is still part of our family and Michael knows that too. We know that we can be together as family eternally someday. It's not that we just want to get to be with Josh again, It's that we want our family together again. So for now we will take little steps forward and pray that our hearts and minds will stay softened to the will of the Lord.